Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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