At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
