Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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