I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
