Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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