All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
