I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
