I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
