So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Drake has all the answers
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
