Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
