happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
