So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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