My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
