Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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