I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
