cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
