My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
