I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
