Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We have started to decorate penises.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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