My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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