rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
