I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
