Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
