I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Even my vagina gasped.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
PANTIES FOUND
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
