i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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