I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
