Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
