never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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