Pappa wants mamma naked
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
