i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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