you traded sex for a burrito?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
