Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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