i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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