Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
