Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
