haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
