I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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