you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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