I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So vagazzling was a success
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
