I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
