I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
