I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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