When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
