I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
