i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
