wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
