So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
