fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
