When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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