FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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